On an equinox, day and night are of equal length; the dark time and light time balance each other. This Sunday was the Vernal Equinox, but it also was a sort of personal equinox for me. It is a time of turning over to a new season, on levels literal, emotional, metaphorical.
There really have been no appropriate bins of seasonal clothing, no decorative seasonal garden flags, no holiday decor to pretty up this last couple of years. Since a good writer friend told me she loves my lists, I’ll list some of the events and characteristics this looooooong last season has featured:
- Burnout
- Panic attacks
- Pandemic
- Divorce
- Money problems (see: divorce)
- Professional rejections and disappointments
- Missed opportunities
- Failures
- Cancellations
- Health problems: mental, kidney, brain, uterine, teeth, jaws, joints, Covid
- Treatments: surgeries (5), braces (1 set), medications (so many)
- Overwhelm
- Self-judgment
- Dissociation
- Near-total societal badness
Lots of dark in that season, and all the flashlights out of batteries at times.
BUT. I arrived home at 4 am Sunday, on the vernal equinox, from a trip. Climbing into my bed, I thought vaguely, “I made it.” And on Monday, I woke up to these sights:
What you are seeing is living stuff revealing that not only is it still alive, it is growing new stuff! And even though spring/new “leaf” (get it?)/new life metaphors are cliches, they are also true.
New light this spring:
- Headspace
- Embodiment
- New love that feeds, not starves
- Teeth, jaws and face that cooperate
- Writing ideas
- Energy
- Medicines (different and better ones)!
- Fun plans
- Self-compassion
- No part of my body is cold right now!
There may be a pandemic, still. Education is still full of disappointments and frustrations, both personal and systemic. So is society. And life. There may still be lots of societal badness, complete with wars and oppression and tons of harm. I even still wake up every day with joints that hurt and more ideas than I can ever finish, and I want more money.
But still! Leaves are growing! I made it.
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You should be proud of your juxtaposed lists. The message of hope manifested through growing leaves moved me. Your teaser about not breaking your slicing streak made me smile.
Wow, Anne, that was quite a long and painful chapter. It was difficult to read the beginning. This sentence spoke volumes: “Lots of dark in that season, and all the flashlights out of batteries at times.”
Your post ended with such hope and health, though. Yes, indeed. Life metaphors of new growth in springtime are very apt. Peace and continued growth for you!
My favourite quote is, there is not enough darkness in the world to extinguish the light of a small candle.